By Elaine Isadora Thomas, Founder, The Mentoring Lab and Mentoring For Youth
James walks into the community centre for his first mentoring session feeling nervous. His hands are shaking a little, so he makes a decision, he's going to ensure he comes across as confident, funny and accomplished.
He straightens his shoulders, extends his hand with an assured smile, and launches into his prepared introduction. Within five minutes, he’s made a joke about the terrible instant coffee at work and later, the weekend’s football match. His mentee, Leon, laughs.
James goes home feeling successful. He built rapport. He created a safe space. Leon engaged with him and even agreed to come back next week.
What James doesn't know is that Leon has been performing the entire time.
While James was managing his own nervousness through confidence-building tactics, Leon was doing his own assessment. Within seconds of walking through that door, he'd made calculations: Is this mentor going to understand me?
Will he judge me? Does he actually want to help or is this just his job? Can I trust him with what's really going on?
Leon's laugh at the coffee joke wasn't genuine relaxation; it was a signal. He'd decided that the performance mode that worked with his teachers would work here too. He answered questions carefully, selected information he knew would be received well. He presented himself as engaged and motivated. He performed the role of the "good mentee" because, in his experience, that's what gets adults to not dig too deep with questions, they stay on the surface, away from the truth about his life.
But here's the crucial bit: Leon’s performance wasn't conscious deception. It was learned survival behaviour.
He'd watched his mum code-switch from Jamaican Patois at home to Standard English when speaking to teachers. He'd observed his uncle become suddenly formal and deferential when dealing with customer services. He'd absorbed family conversations about "how to act" in institutional spaces, conversations that carry the weight of survival knowledge passed down through generations.
Your Blind Spot as a Mentor
Here's the problem: a young person performing safety cannot simultaneously explore vulnerability. A young person managing how they present themselves cannot simultaneously develop authentic identity. The energy they're spending on performance is energy unavailable for genuine growth. At the same time, the mentor’s blind spot isn't malicious. It's structural. Most mentor training teaches you to build rapport, create engaging conversations, and demonstrate care.
These are important skills. But without understanding what a young person being in ‘performance mode’ looks like and how to interrupt it with real safety, mentors can spend the entire relationships in shallow waters, never realising the young person is hiding depths.
Why This Happens: The History You Need to Understand
When Leon watches his mother navigate the workplace, he's inheriting survival strategies refined through generations.
His ancestors learned to perform compliance to stay safe. His parents taught him these patterns not to limit him, but because they kept families alive.
The intelligence behind it
The performance mode you see isn't personal. It's generational. It's a rational response to power structures that have historically punished authenticity from Black, Asian, and marginalised communities. When Leon walks into any environment that is ‘different’ from what he is used to, his nervous system recognises institutional power dynamics and activates the very survival strategies that have protected his family.
Albert Bandura's research on social learning shows us that observation is one of the most powerful teachers (Bandura, 1977). But what's crucial is understanding ‘what’ young people are observing: they're watching their parents code-switch from authentic home language to ‘professional talk’. They're seeing their relatives become suddenly formal around authority. They're absorbing the message that authenticity isn't safe in certain spaces. This isn't their fault. This is what happens when young people grow up navigating systems built on historical power imbalances.
Geneva Smitherman's research on code-switching shows us that this behaviour becomes so automatic that young people activate these patterns without conscious thought (Smitherman, 2000). They simply respond to environmental cues. When they walk into a room, their nervous system, trained by generations of family survival wisdom, recognises this as an institutional setting requiring performance.
What W.E.B. Du Bois called "double consciousness", the painful awareness of seeing oneself through others' eyes…isn't a personal problem (Du Bois, 1903). It's the psychological cost of navigating systems that have never been designed with young people like Leon in mind.
Here's why this matters to the role of a mentor.
Understanding the historical roots of performance doesn't mean mentors can fix history. It means they become one of the first adults in a young person’s life who consciously interrupts those patterns by creating genuinely safe space. They become the person who says: ‘Your full self, your authentic self, is welcome here, without judgement. You don't need to put on a mask, you don’t need to perform."
What Mentors Can Do
Step 1
Reframe and Address the Elephant in the Room
Young people are often protecting themselves based on learned patterns. When mentors reframe 'performance mode' as intelligent adaptation rather than deception, they can respond with genuine compassion. But reframing alone isn't enough - you have to address it directly. Mentors should clearly state their intent and ground rules right at the beginning of the relationship. Don't assume the young person knows you won't judge them for their cultural background or any other characteristics. Say it out loud.
Here's something mentors can say to begin interrupting 'performance mode':
"I'm genuinely interested in who you are, your background, your culture, and what's important to you. Just be yourself, without judgement. I'll ask questions if I need to, is that okay?"
Research by Ginwright (2018) shows that explicit statements of cultural validation interrupt performance patterns more effectively than implied acceptance, but mentors have to have the courage to say it out loud.
Step 2
Be Vulnerable
One of the most powerful ways mentors interrupt 'performance mode' is demonstrating their own authenticity. When you acknowledge nervousness, admit uncertainty, or share genuine struggles, you signal that performance isn't required.
James could have said: 'I'm actually a bit nervous in new mentoring relationships, I want to make sure I'm helpful.” That honest statement shifts the entire dynamic.
Step 3
Listen for What's Not Being Said
Instead of 'Tell me about your goals,' try: saying 'What do the important people in your life want for you compared to what you actually want?' Listen for when the young person's voice changes - more animated or withdrawn, this signal movement towards or away from authenticity.
Step 4
Gently Name What You're Observing
Mentors can point out ‘performance mode’ with curiosity, not accusation: "I notice you seem to shift when you talk about school…like you're choosing your words carefully. What's that about?"
This isn't confrontational. It's curious. It says: "I'm paying attention to all of you, not just the words." This gentle method of ‘addressing the elephant in the room’ is a skill and technique that most adults feel uncomfortable practicing, making your ability to do so stand out to the young person, even be respected.
Step 5
Understand That Performance Takes Energy
Being in 'performance mode' is exhausting. Young people only relax when they've tested whether you're consistently trustworthy. Expect to see performance in every relationship - it's the beginning of a journey towards authenticity.
Step 6
The 3 P's
You'll need to Persist, have Patience, and Preserve in supporting the young person, even when they seem to have given up or are playing up. Maintain your position of learning and true support until they're ready to be fully open and committed to the mentoring journey.
Step 7
Address the Real Barriers
Sometimes young people perform because systems are genuinely hostile. Don't just ask them to adapt - advocate for structural change. Help them navigate racist environments and connect them with communities who understand complex barriers.
Why This Matters
The truth is, James went home feeling successful. He believed he'd built rapport and created a safe space. In one sense, he had, Leon may come back. But until James understands ‘performance mode’ and learns to interrupt it with genuine cultural safety and vulnerability, he's working with only part of who Leon is. The most powerful mentoring happens when young people can stop performing and start being. That requires mentors who understand that a young person's laughter might hide guardedness, that engagement might be a performance strategy, and that real connection requires naming and interrupting the very patterns that kept them safe before.
Mentors should remember that their role is not to accept the performance, it is to create the conditions where being in ‘performance mode’ is no longer necessary.
And don’t forget, when colleagues challenge your commitment to these young people, remember, young people sense your true intent. Your responses in those moments show up in the mentoring sessions. By honouring your intent and ground rules, you demonstrate respect and good intentions.
In Conclusion
This understanding of performance mode isn't abstract theory. It's an important element of training that The Mentoring Lab provides to youth mentors working with young people across the UK. Using evidenced based practices, new and experienced mentors are trained to recognise performance patterns, understand their historical roots, and develop the skills to interrupt them with safety and authenticity.
Our training ensures that youth mentoring relationships move beyond surface-level rapport building towards authentic connection and genuine transformation. Because when young people can be themselves, fully, authentically, without performance, and the mentor is skilled to help them navigate structural and systemic barriers… that's when cool conversations turn into real change.
